Read This When You Want To Give Up

on
 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
0

heroine complex

on

seorang teman bertanya: kok lo gak pernah cerita tentang love life lagi? selalu tentang kerjaan.
Karena, cinta itu abstrak. Dan gue bukan seniman yang bisa mengapresiasikan sesuatu yang abstrak. Karena, ada masanya puluhan bahkan ratusan cewek menulis/berbicara tentang masalah cinta mereka. Dan gue harus sok bijak memberi jawaban. Lantas masa gue harus datang ke orang lain untuk minta insight atas masalah gue? Lagian gue pikir love life gue (if i have any) bukan hal penting untuk dibahas secara mendalam dan dibedah apa serta kenapanya. Kalau pun ada masalah, gue pasti tau how to figure it out. Berani atau nggak melakukannya, itu lain cerita.
Justru yang gue addict itu adalah perasaan jatuh cinta. Geliat emosi dan hasrat memanggil rangkaian kata dalam otak. Lagian lelaki yang gue puja sudah lama berubah. Tergantikan sosok dingin yang menatap dengan jijik. Gue tidak merindukan kecuali kenangan. Sayangnya masa lalu adalah tempat rekreasi terjauh, gue gak bisa meraihnya.
Jadilah gue gak pernah bercerita (lagi). Karena cuma sedikit yang bertanya atas dasar peduli, kebanyakan cuma penasaran. Karena gue bosan jadi bahan omongan.
Disclaimer: tulisan disponsori oleh hari pertam menstruasi dan sms tanpa balasan.
Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10