Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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lluvia #2

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Hujan. Memori. Kamu.

Gadis itu menghabiskan seumur hidupnya untuk melupakan aku. Namun hari ini hujan. Sepotong teks muncul di layar ponsel ku: I remember u.

Aku yakin, saat ini ia tengah berdiri di sisi jendela. Menatapi titik-titik hujan yang turun. Memori otaknya memutar waktu kami bersama. Ucapanku saat menggenggam tangannya yang dingin, sandwich yang kami makan bersama, dan pertemuan yang diatur takdir dalam bis kota.

Ia akan mengingat itu semua. Hujan membanjiri ingatannya dengan namaku, wangiku, senyumku, tawaku. Lalu ia akan merasa pilu. Karena aku tak lagi di sisinya. Aku tak pernah ada di sisinya.

Hujan masih terus turun. Ia mulai menatapi ponselnya. Sadar, takkan pernah menerima balasan dariku.

Hujan, hapus luka hatinya.

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