Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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So Today

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Because of my work, I went to some curated market. Seriusan, kalo kagak karena urusan kerja, kagak ada dah gue dateng ke acara-acara beginian. Simply because I'm practical person. I buy something, clothes more likely, not because it's cute, but because I need it.

I'm so practical. Saking praktisnya, gue suka nggak ngerti, ini baju buat dinas atau buat main? Karena, macam Bobo yang bermain sambil belajar, gue menemukan kesenangan dalam pekerjaan gue. Dan tetap nggak ada yang bisa memisahkan gue dari jeans, long-sleeve shirt and sneakers.

Lalu pergilah gue ke beragam curated market itu. I knew people might dress up. I knew there's a lot of high fashion people. But who care? Gue ke sini sekedar mencari info untuk bahan tulisan. Not to see and to be seen. It's me, with my practical fashion sense and no make up face. I really didn't put any make up.

It's really crowed. And dusty. And full of teenager 'cipika-cipiki' with their friend, passing some new gossip. Lots and lots young couple with super stylish outfit. Credit card, debit card, flash and cash are going back-foward. Oh, I'm sorry, I need to think deeply before buy some cloth, or it'll end up in the bottom line of my storage.

Well, I can't judge, but I think, those younger re so today child. Look at them, they re so similar. And check their 4sq or Twitter. It's a must to update current story, about where are u now, with who, doing what. They re craving for existences. World give them the easiest way: social media. But, u have to be in the spot, or, a bunch of kepo people will find out that ur stats re fake and laugh at u.

Here it's, high fashion kids with ultra-sophisticated gadget in 'to see and to be seen' events. Check ur social media to find out are u one of them? :)

Goodnight, goodnight. Buruh kelas 3 akan segera sampai rumah setelah turun dari metromini. Enjoy ur life, since this is all u have.

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