Read This When You Want To Give Up

 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti

You've Got Mail #1: Happiness is...

*Typing m, s, s, h, i, n, t, a, h, i, m, u, r, a, ., c, o, m. Enter*


*Quick reading. Scrolling. Clicking ‘older posts’*


What’s with this place? Is the owner some kind of gothic-emo fans? Did she just meet Dementor before she writes most of the posts here? Or is she just naturally Ms. Far-Too-Cynical? After all the beautiful places she visited? After all the interesting men she met?  *sentil mulut* Oh, sorry with the judging things. People are much wiser when they don’t experience it, you know?  I’m just wondering whether Ms. Shinta knows about something called “Happiness.” Because if she doesn’t, i’m going to tell her about it.


Ms. Shinta, some people said “Happiness is never grand”. I bet you read it a lot on your social media. Happiness means ice cream in the middle of daylight. Happiness could be a free-lunch invitation when we’re broke. Or simply “out-of-the-blue Hi” from our eternal crush in text messenger (evil-grin).  Happiness is something unexpected during the unexpected moment.  It’s not actually a big deal, but we’re so excited to have it. No matter how short it lasts, we just need to be thankful. Although i’m pretty sure, the one who came up with this “happiness is never grand” idea, certainly only live for small things. They never pursue something great and feel content easily with what they have. Never even for a second they think that they deserve more.


But, isn’t less is good? Isn’t less is a new more? Do you think so, Ms Shinta? Well, some people choose “more” because that what makes them feel alive. But regardless of any moral value or valid norms in our society, we just can’t blame others who choose “less” if it what makes them tick. Some people choose anything prestigious or expensive luxuries  in this world and still feel restless. Others just satisfied because they choose to live in ignorance. No matter what you got, you can always choose to be happy. Always! That’s why we often hear “happiness is a state of mind”. Because just like Shakespeare said, “Nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so.” That’s right, Ms Shinta. Everything in life is just a mind trick. It’s all in your head, they said. Makes me wonder, are their heads only filled with one voice in particular all the time? Have they ever, even in one  brief moment, heard lots of noisy annoying voices in their heads which each of them saying different things loudly, constantly? Have they ever think that those voices  are complicated factors that happiness depends on? If they have, how they deal with it? How they silence those voices? Because i seriously hope that “Happiness is state of mind” (or a state of nevermind!) came from someone who win struggling over mental disease.


There’s so many definitions about happiness. I question all of them. I have counter-narrative for all of them. Unfortunately for me, happiness is just a word in dictionary. What about you, Ms Shinta? 

I.V.A