Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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Pretty, Please

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'Hay baby, what's with the long face?'
'Don't baby me.'
'Pretty, please?'
'I'm not pretty.'
'Who's told you that?'
'Mirror.'
'Well, in that case...'
'So, that's right? I'm not pretty?'
'Well, girl. I don't really care whether you are pretty or not. It's your whole package i fall for. Not to mean that looking at your face didn't amuse me.'
'But i'm not pretty.'
'Who care?'
'I want to feel pretty.'
'What's make you feel you are not?'
'Mirror.'
'Mirror or social construction?'
'Yeah, both.'
'Baby, you'll never be pretty that way. There'll be a girl prettier than you. But like i said, im not a guy who falls for just a pretty face.
'Should i count all your blessing? You are smart, maybe not in math or with formulas, but i always feel enrich after talking to you. Almost.
'You are an eager learner. More curious than a cat. It's inspiring to see someone so needy to learn something new. Like the said it's never too late for learning.
'You can read maps. That's not even any guy can do.
'Baby, please. Don't let anyone makes you feel less perfect.'
'But why there isn't any real guy fall for me?'
'Well, i don't know how people see and think, baby. But i know for sure, if a guy only fall for you pretty face, he's not worth for you. You, i, we, are more than skin and bones.
'It's what in you head and heart.'
'Is that true guys prefer a girl less smart than him?'
'Only a dumb guy doing that. Only a smart guy with insecurity doing that. When a guy loves you, when he's trully appreciatte you, he will makes himself at your level.
'He knows the girl he loves deserve better. So he tries better.'
'If as you said, i'm smart, curious and a map reader, still not enough to attract a guy.'
'Why, baby? Why you wanna attract a guy?'
'So i can be loved.'
'No, baby, you may upgrade all your aspect but one doesn't fall in love that way. It's never: i love you because you are beautiful. It's: you are beautiful because i love you.
'Beauty is in the eyes of beholder.'
'So what should i do to be loved?'
'Love yourself. Enjoy your life. You need no one that makes you feel you're hard to love.
'It's never about you, baby. When a guy loves you, he loves you. When he doesn't, you can try, but never throw yourself while trying.'
'That's sexist. So a girl can't have a guy she likes?'
'She can. You already proofed it long ago.'
'But why this one guy...'
'No, baby. Just because a guy can't loves you, doesn't mean you are broken or ugly. It's only mean what he's looking for, isn't you.
'You might think to change yourself to be what he wants. But who are you then? Who are you if you always change your color everytime you fall in love with different guys?'
'I wanna be with him.'
'Pretty, please. All im asking just love yourself. Beside you are not kind of girl who need men to be perfect.'
'Why you aren't real?'
'Well, because im only exist in your head.
'You know, maybe that's the reason you can't get a boyfriend. Your mind is sick. But no worry. I love you, Pretty baby.'
-a day i feel ugly, and hard to loved