Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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Can't Afford Another Heart Breaks

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Gue lagi menunggu rekan perjalanan saat segerombolan anak berbaju Pramuka menginvasi Pizza Hut dan ngobrol riuh rendah.

Maaf kalau saya nguping. I find them fascinating.

'Gue lagi jerawatan gini, mana Jerry suka.' ujar suara pertama.
'Iya ih lo kenapa jadi jerawatan banget sih. Obatin dong.' terdengar suara berikutnya.
'Tadinya Jerry suka loh sama lo.'
'Tadinya??!' beberapa suara riuh bersamaan.

Lalu mentally gue menjawab, kalau cuma karena jerawat si Jerry gak jadi naksir cewek pertama, berarti Jerry gak layak diperjuangkan. Teorinya sih gitu. Tapi toh kebanyakan perempuan sibuk beresin mukanya biar dilirik lelaki.

Mungkin beberapa lelaki berpikir kalau ini perempuan gak bisa rawat mukanya sendiri, gimana nanti ngerawat yang lain?

Tapi lagi, perempuan kan bukan perawat.

Gerombolan anak Pramuka sekarang ganti topik ngebahas mata pelajaran. Mengeluhkan beberapa yang mereka sulit mengerti, beberapa yang gurunya gak masuk akal, dan beberapa yang kayaknya gampang banget.

Gue jadi inget omongan jaman gue SMA, kalau satu guru cuma ngajarin satu mata pelajaran, kenapa gak boleh satu murid cuma fokus di satu mata pelajaran? Tidak ada jawabannya.

Lalu si anak-anak Pramuka mengeluarkan beberapa majalah. Keduanya pernah gue tulisi. Humblebrag dikit, majalah-majalah gue yang dulu dan sekarang selalu leading magazine in their market.

Karena gak punya temen, jadi jawabin percakapan orang lain secara mental. Rekan perjalanan, cepatlah tiba.

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