Midnight Doctor 5.0

The good doctor smiles when i'm entering the room.
'Been a while, dont you think?' the smile never leaves a face i enjoy looking at.
I sit. My mind wander. Where to start?
'Doc, i dont wanna ended up alone.' i say, finally.
'You and your lonesome. What's that?'
'You see, doc, im sick. My brain isnt in right state. I wonder if my condition, my being unable to control my feeling, my thought, my words, some how would hurts the man i love. Not that im in love with someone.
'Doc, you know better that i tend to speak bluntly. I often push people away because they are irritating. So how can i share my life with another human?'
'So you finally have this thought to be with someone? You are always alone, dont you feel lonely?'
'Never know what the feeling is.'
'Lonely, like when you miss someone, longing for someone.'
'I dont miss a person, doc. I miss memories. Person change. Memories stay until they're fading. I dont longing for a person. I desire talent, knowledge, fortune, never a human.'
'It's sounds like you dont need any companion. Are you sure you dont feel lonely?'
'No, doc. Being alone, loneliness never touch me. It's lost, doc. There's a time i feel lost. I dont know why and what for my life is. What my target is.'
'But you dont wanna ended up alone? Why?'
'I wanna be a mother, doc. I wanna have kids that will speak for my life. People will see them and know that they're brought up nicely. Kids that know the pain but never taste it. Kids that never lose their smile. Happy kids.'
'While you dont know what a happiness is?'
'That's why i cant ended up alone, doc. I need a partner to show those kids how happiness looks like.
'I've been thinking of that for a while. But doc, in order to brought that happiness, must i take one down with me? For i will be bitter and misery. I dont wanna hurt another man. Because of my condition.
'It's nature or nurture. Im born this way you said. And the nurture things went all wrong with me.
'Doc, i always crying at the word parents. Deep down i blame them for who i am. But, another siblings are fine. Im the one who mess up. I wonder if i was brought up nicely, i would have taste happiness. I wont go slaving my time for money. I would never lose a smile. I would never have thought about hurting myself.'
'Where do you keep this all the time? Spit it out, Shin.'
'Haha you're funny doc. I keep it inside my head of course. That's how i got aches, in my head and in my chest.
'Will i be able to be in relationship, doc?'
'From the way i see, thing's impossible until it's done. And it will be done. What you have here, this asumption, this worry, is because you're not willing to try to be loved.
'You know how to loving, adoring, obssesing over man. But you're freeze when get loved. You're asking how can it be? Why me? When will it stops? Beside enjoying what you have, you make things in your head and upset over that.'
'I cant help it, doc. Im sick, remember? Haha.'
'So take your medicines, come here often, open your heart, start believing in people, and keep in mind that you're worth to be loved.'
'I dont believe medicines, doc. They're awfull.
'People hurt me, doc.'
'Exactly like that and you'll be alone forever.' the doctor seems uneasy.
'People hurt me, use me, i've been cheated, i've been lied, ever since i can remember. How can i invited one to share life with me? Im scare of them.'
'Shin, relax now.' Now i'm trembling in my chair. 'You dont wanna ended up alone, okay. We'll focus on that. Yes we'll talk about a lover, but, family should come first...'
'Doc,' I cut in, 'I dont wanna talk about family.'
Just like that i leave the rooms. Family can be a gift or a curse. Mine, i love to hate.