Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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Nothing Good Happen After 2 AM

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It's nearly 2 am. And my eyes still wide open. No, actually, it's not my eyes who wanna awake. It's my brain who wont stop thinking. About some boys i hope, but nay. All my works occupied my brain's space!! Im calculating now. That magazine, this magazine, that independent regulatory organization, that under graduate thesis, this brand, that brand. Men, as if i have more than 24 hours a day. Pain.

It's my fault, since i cant blame anybody else, i just cant say NO, everytime work offers came. Mind you i just work in one magazine as fulltime employee. And it's never about the money. I've got this part in my life that i love challanges, as long as it's not engage me longer. So after one or two articles, im free and get fee.

I love to meet new people, hearing new ideas and try to execute it. Oh, im so a hardcore fan of learning. Still, i need to sleep. Dear brain, please shut down a while. But i cant! Im full with ideas and i need to write it. My oh my, when i write it, i cant stop. Seriously, i need to sleep!

I learn that the only way i can sleep tonight -or very early morning- is by shut down my netbook first. It just there's so many words in my brain, they screaming my pain, keep going, keep going type down line by line. They hear no pleas, they want things to be done. Again i beg, they wont get me free. They have an idea, an idea must be done.

Nothing good happen after 2 am. A bro told same story as his mother. I got this curse, to work when others snores. My work is a pain. They keep my brain spin.

No, actually whenever i pass my sleep hours, i tend to keep awake all night. The night is good, but tomorrow is brighter. Maybe, if i can finish that work, that work, that work, that work, before 2 am.

So be gone. The night is on.