Read This When You Want To Give Up

 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti

Senja di Pagi Hari

Tetesan hujan sisa semalam belum lagi selesai berjatuhan. Tak disangka darimana, butiran air ikut menuruni pipi. Ia menangis.
Aku tidak yakin rasa apa yang berkecamuk dalam dadanya. Ia tersenyum, pun matanya berucap lain. Tampak padanya, hari-hari ini ia akan kehilangan arah.
Sepanjang pagi ia menanti senja. Merindukan semburat merah di langit Jakarta. Merenggut satu hari lagi dimana ia hanya merasa luka.
Aku sadar ia lemah. Segala yang ia perlihatkan hanyalah tameng baja untuk melindungi dirinya. Seperti kura-kura dengan tempurung. Membawa rumah kemana pun ia pergi, namun tidak pernah merasa punya rumah.
Kali ini ia lelah. Meski menolak untuk kalah. Hatinya terus menangis, otaknya meronta-ronta ingin bahagia. Aku khawatir akan datang harinya ia ingin lenyap.
Jangan dulu lelah, jangan dulu kalah. Karena kita tidak membutuhkan sesiapapun untuk bahagia. Cukup Dia dan jalan hidup yang dituliskanNya.
Seharusnya tidak terlupa. Rasa ini, apa gerangan artinya?

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