Read This When You Want To Give Up

 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti

Plan Your Own Funeral

Have you ever visualize your own wedding party? With gown, flower bucket and maids. When all your friends gather and talk about how lucky you are, how pretty you are in your dress, how lovely your spouse and how fairy your party. Have you? Well, I have.

I also happened envision my funeral. Weird? maybe. But once I read, the day of someone's death exceeds the value of the day of his birth. Because, people dont really know us when we born. Different story when we are dead. Since we ve been living through our life, met people, do something bad and good. Tell lies, being lied, loving and being loved. Until the day we have to say goodbye to mortal life.

So I wondering, who will be at my funeral? I dont have much close friends, even the closest one dont really know me. I dont text my friend so often. I kept secret. And right now, I live a quite solitaire life (from my friends). So how can they know if I die? No, there is no family member feel close enough with my friends to have their phone number.

If i die, what will people talking about me at my funeral? How are they remember me? Would they talk about how moody I was, how cynical I was, how they are being hurted by my words? I know I'm not a happy person at first. But I still sure I am a good friend.

And my biggest question, what will happen with my sites and social media? I know some account which still producing tweets, even the real owner was dead. Their spouse running it for reminisce them. Well, I dont know, maybe I'll share my password with he I shared my life. But can anyone poduce sarcastic tweets like mine?

At the end will you remember me?

"And remember, my sentimental friend, that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others." Frank L. Baum.