Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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it's not you, it's me

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Kalimat itu jamak terdengar saat ingin menyelesaikan hubungan. It's not you, it's me. Sebelum ini, gue menganggapnya kalimat omong kosong. Seperti halnya 'kita udah nggak cocok lagi' 'aku lagi kepingin semdiri'.
Kalau mau berpikiran terbuka, yah ini memang tentang pihak yang angkat bicara itu. Makanya, nggak seharusnya ada jawaban what did i do wrong? Karena memang nggak ada yang salah, hanya saja ada satu pihak dalam hubungan tersebut yang tidak lagi terpuaskan/merasa nyaman.
It's not you, it's me. Suatu hari di perguruan tinggi, gue nggak ngerti kenapa ada satu teman yang nggak suka sama anak baru. Padahal secara personal si anak baru ini bisa jadi teman yang baik. Padahal interaksi keduanya baru sebatas menyebutkan nama. Lalu gue bertanya pada teman yang bersikap memusuhi itu. Jawabannya adalah: nggak suka aja, kayaknya apa yang dia lakukan tuh salah banget di mata gue. Keberadaan dia aja udah salah.
Wow. Gue kebayang gimana misalnya si anak baru ini tried to please teman gue dan tetap aja dia gak disukai. Pasti bakal sakit hati. Untungnya si anak baru ini entah cuek atau bebal, gak terlihat ambil pusing. Sampai suatu ketika si anak baru bilang ke gue kalau dia sakit hati sama sikap si teman.
Manusia emang gitu. Sering kali bersikap seenaknya. Banyak yang belum sadar kalau act-nya itu mempengaruhi hidup orang lain. Dan tindakan orang lain pun mempengaruhi dirinya. Karena, biarpun sendirian, manusia saling terkait satu sama lain.
So dont take things personally. Kita toh nggak bisa mendikte perasaan orang terhadap kita. This really isnt about you. This is about me, who can't get over you.
3 bulan di awal 2013 ini benar-benar teguran buat saya.
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