Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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you know i adore you

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Seharian ini dengerin album Matchbox Twenty dari yang pertama sampe terbaru. Satu lagu ini stuck in my head.
Aslinya, sedetik setelah kejadian kemarin, gue punya satu nama yang ingin langsung gue telepon dan bercerita. Ingatan bahwa dia gak ingin mengangkat telepon gue mencegah gue menekan tombol dial. Saya dan dia sudah selesai. Dia dan kepalsuannya, saya dan kenaifan saya, tak pernah ada kami.
Sejak detik gue nggak jadi menekan tombol dial, ada rasa rindu menyelisip dan bertahan hingga kini.
Saya kangen sama fans mas Jared itu.
Saya berulang kali bilang selamat tinggal. Sesungguhnya yang tetap tinggal adalah rasa saya, apapun wujudnya. Saya gak ingin melepaskan dia.
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