Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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my mind plays trick on me

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Pernah gak kayak gini, mencecar pertanyaan ke orang yang lo pedulikan?
Gue baru aja melakukan itu. Padahal udah janji gak bakal nanya yang aneh-aneh lagi. But i cant hold it. Dan gue pun bertanya. Dan setiap jawaban menimbulkan pertanyaan. Dan gue nggak pernah puas untuk kemudian berhenti. Karena, gue ingin jawaban yg makes me feel good.
Iya. I want him to make me feel good. Dalam prosesnya, gue malahan bikin dia bad mood. Dan gue jadi tambah bad mood. Dan kami pun saling bad mood.
Selalu terlambat buat bilang im sorry. Karena dia tau gue akan mengulanginya lagi. Tapi gue gak minta maaf karena pertanyaan gue. Gue minta maaf karena bikin dia, mungkin, bad mood. Entahlah.
Gue juga pengen berhenti peduli. Udah capek. Udah malu nangis melulu. Malu sama diri sendiri. Percuma juga kan.
Pengennya gue nyalahin hormon atas semua ini. Masalahnya udah keseringan gue ngelempar semua kegilaan gue atas nama hormon.
Mungkin ada sesuatu di otak gue. Mungkin gue emang kehilangan rasa percaya pada dia dan shinta. Karenanya, apa pun jawaban dia gak bakal bikin gue tenang. Dan apa pun pertanyaan gue, jawabannya cuma satu.
Percuma kan bilang im sorry, toh bulan depan, di tanggal yang sama, gue akan kembali menanyakan pertanyaan yang sama.
Berulang ulang. Tanpa jawaban. Sampai akhirnya dia muak dengan kegilaan gue dan bener bener nggak menggubris gue sama sekali.
Kalau saat itu terjadi, gue pasti sedih sekali.
Time stop. Dont separate us.

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