Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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lluvia #7

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Kadang, saat hujan turun deras seperti ini, ada kelebatan bayangan tentang gadis itu. Tentang kenapa ia selalu menatap ku. Tentang entah yang mana dirinya yang sebenarnya.

Tangguh? Manja? Manipulatif? Brutally honest? Free will person? Keras kepala? Kekanak-kanakan? Yang mana? Ia selalu muncul dihadapan ku dengan beragam emosi yang ia inginkan. Tak pernah sekali pun peduli pada pandangan mencibir orang lain.

Baginya hanya ada aku. Benarkah? Walaupun tak tergerak hati ini untuknya? Walaupun dengan jelas ku katakan aku tidak peduli padanya? Benarkah? Benarkah demikian atau aku hanya bagian dari kegilaannya sementara.

Begitu ia merasa bosan dengan ku, akan dicarinya sosok lain lagi. Aku sulit merasakan perasaan yang ia teriak-teriakan. Aku tak merasa ia menyayangiku. Ia cuma menginginkan ku ada.

Dan aku memang ada. Tapi tidak pernah untuk dia. Kami, tidak ditakdirkan bersama. Gadis itu, hanya bisa berangan-angan bagaimana rasanya terbangun di sisi ku sehabis hujan seperti malam ini.

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