Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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lluvia #1

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'Wajahmu selalu tampak ingin menangis. Tak bisakah kau pahami? Baginya, keberadaanmu bukan apa-apa.' Aku menatap gusar pada gadis di hadapanku.

'Bagaimana denganmu? Kenapa masih terpaku padaku? Padahal kamu tau jelas keadaanku. Selamanya, mataku tertuju pada dia.' Jawabnya. Datar memang, namun dapat kurasakan guratan lukanya tiap kali ia berucap tentang lelaki itu.

'Dia tidak peduli padamu.' Ku teriakan kalimat itu sekali lagi padanya.

'Jangan. Jangan beritahu aku hal yang sudah jelas.' Ia menutupkan kedua tangan ke telinganya. 'Dada ku rasanya sakit. Hampir meledak.' Suaranya mencicit. Ia sedang berusaha menahan tangisannya.

'Ku mohon, lepaskan dirimu. Lihatlah kepadaku. Aku peduli padamu.' Perlahan kuturunkan kedua tangannya. Ia membiarkan aku mendekap erat tubuhnya. Datar. Hampa.

'Aku terbangun dengan namanya, aku terlelap dalam bayangnya. Entah aku yang bodoh karena mencintainya, atau kau yang bodoh karena mencintaiku. Ku mohon, jangan lepaskan aku.' Ia menangis. Setelah sekian lama menahan tiap tetesan, kali ini airmatanya langsung membasahi hatiku.

Hujan turun, membasuh luka hatinya.

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