Read This When You Want To Give Up

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 I keep listing the reasons why I can't kill myself. And each day it gets shorter. Still, I live. Liking my job, taking care of others, set goals, and actually achieved it. All while still wanna die. So I try to understand, what's exactly in my brain. What's I'm looking for. What's the drive that gets me up every morning. Why I'm in constant pain. Maybe I'm just dramatic, a little bit melancholy. I know what I want is for the pain to stop. And I need to know where the bleeding is to stop it. What and who hurts me. Or No matter what and who, when and how, I need to accept and forgive. Forgive that I can't change the past, I can't change people. Accept that I only can control myself. To tough up and not let it hurts. Maybe this is not about me. Maybe the what and the who weren't aware that they hurt me. It's like a circle. While they tried to protect themselves, they unintentionally hurt others. The fact that I wanna die since 4th grade and sti
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Vice Versa

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'Kalau Shinta baik sama orang, nanti orang juga akan baik sama Shinta.'

Itu penggalan nasehat dari nenek gue. Agak sedikit meleset, gue mengartikannya jadi: kalau gue baik sama A, si A juga harus baik sama gue.

Pengertian itu lanjut kebawa sampe akhir semester ke lapan pas gue kuliah. Lalu, sabeum gue bilang:

'Nggak gitu, Shin. Contoh gini. Lo suka rese sama gue. Gak ada baik2nya dah. Tapi sekarang, pas lo down gara2 skripsi. Gue ada di sini.'

'Betul, kita harus baik sama orang. Tapi, kalau lantas kita berharap orang itu berbuat baik sama kita, itu yang namanya pamrih. Berarti kita masih itung-itungan dalam berbuat baik.'

'Padahal, ibaratnya sedekah aja, kita gak berharap orang yang nerima sedekah kita balik ngasih kita sedekah kan? Kita bakal bilang: biar Allah yang ngebales kebaikan kita.'

'Nenek lo gak salah. Cuma lo emang suka laen ngartiin maksud orang. Jadi, Shin. Gue sekarang bantuin lo, mungkin nanti pas gue susah, yang ngebantuin gue si A. Pas si A susah, ada si B yang nolong. Giliran si B ada masalah, bisa jadi pas waktunya lo bisa nolongin si B. Gitu. Ngerti?'

Hehehe, sebenernya ngerti sih. Tapi logika gue rada gak rela nerima itu. Jadi, kalau gue berbuat baik sama orang, lalu orang itu malah jahat sama gue, it's not a big deal? Kirain kayak hukum take n give.

Tapi iya juga sih. Jadinya gue pamrih. Jadinya berharap terlalu banyak. Emang rumusnya: 'biar Allah yang bales'

Termasuk kalau gue dijahatin orang. Gue gak perlu jahatin mereka balik. Allah yang bikin perhitungan. Jadi, kalau dapet musibah, coba ditelaah. Apakah itu teguran atas kesalahan kita, ujian untuk kita jadi lebih baik, atau azab Allah?

I always try to be better in His eyes. Not in human eyes. Karena saya gak bisa menyenangkan semua orang, kan?

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